IWS is Now Quantum-Ready (Whatever That Means)
In a groundbreaking move that our marketing team assures us is significant, we're proud to announce that all IWS regions are now officially "Quantum-Ready™".
What Does Quantum-Ready Mean?
Excellent question. We asked our engineering team, and they said, and we quote: "Please stop putting buzzwords in our infrastructure announcements."
Nevertheless, after extensive consultation with our marketing and investor relations teams, we've determined that Quantum-Ready means:
- Our servers exist in a physical universe governed by quantum mechanics — technically true of all matter
- We've reserved the namespace "quantum" in our API — for future use, presumably
- Our documentation now includes the word "quantum" 47 times — up from zero
- We've installed a poster of Schrödinger's cat in every data center — team morale initiative
The Quantum Advantage
While we don't actually have any quantum computers, being Quantum-Ready positions us advantageously for when:
- Quantum computers become practical (estimated: 2045)
- Quantum computers become affordable (estimated: never)
- Our competitors announce they're also Quantum-Ready (estimated: next week)
AI-Enhanced Quantum Readiness
In keeping with our commitment to adding "AI-enhanced" to everything, our Quantum-Ready status is itself AI-enhanced. We trained a small language model to generate quantum-sounding marketing copy, and it suggested we were ready. Who are we to argue with AI?
Key AI-enhanced quantum features include:
- Quantum-adjacent processing — our GPUs are located near atoms
- Superposition-compatible storage — your data exists on disk until you read it
- Entanglement-inspired networking — packets are correlated with their acknowledgments
- Uncertainty-principle billing — you can know either your usage or your cost, but not both precisely
Pricing
Quantum-Ready is included at no additional cost with all IWS plans, because it doesn't actually do anything. However, for customers who want to feel even more quantum, we offer:
- Quantum-Ready Plus ($499/month): Includes a certificate and an extra poster
- Quantum-Ready Enterprise ($4,999/month): A physicist will visit your office and explain why this is all marketing
- Quantum-Ready Ultimate ($49,999/month): We'll stop calling things quantum
Looking Forward
We remain committed to staying ahead of meaningless technology curves. Coming in 2025:
- AGI-Adjacent™ — our infrastructure is ready for AGI whenever it arrives
- Metaverse-Compatible™ — you can access our dashboard in a web browser, which is basically VR
- Web5-Native™ — we skipped Web4 to stay ahead